Beautiful notes!

I lost myself in the notes of the violinist in church today. He has a gift. He can move you. Can pierce through that hardened, much abused, distorted, mutilated, maligned, twisted, sinful, lost soul and touch the dying good in you.
At the cost of sounding cliched and being laughed at and ridiculed and belittled I must say that I felt like this little lost creature, terribly afraid and ashamed because she had been bad and had strayed away and done exactly what she had been taught not to. I felt like this clueless tiny speck who wanted to get back home but didn't know how. I was a shadow that had lost its body. I was tired and hungry and thirsty. And I thought I was going to fall when I heard those BEAUTIFUL NOTES!
They said to me, "All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you."
Those notes seemed to embrace me and say, "Hey! No matter what I will always love you. It wasn't for nothing that I died on that cross. It was for you."

I felt joy, I felt peace, I felt special, I felt Safe.

I'm the King of the Jungle

After three years in Bangalore I finally went to the Banerghatta National Park. Luckily for me a friend of mine had an especially good friend who was a vet with the lion and tiger rescue centre. So, being the privileged ones we got to play with tiger cubs! The most adorable, gorgeous tiger cubs I have ever set sight on. (Not like i've seen any before, but i'm sure even if I do I'll like these more)
Once they were let out of the cage and we were safely out of the mother's reach, we threw ourselves upon the striped creatures. They whimpered and scratched and expressed their absolute displeasure and sufferance to be in the hands of man about whom mother had warned them.
The nicest half an hour ever for us and pure torture for them.
Then we saw the mighty lions and tigers, each of them looking at us warily. We saw the catwalk of a magnificent, young, beautiful, royal, vain tigress who seemed to be showing herself off to us, for us to admire and adore. We saw a lioness in heat driving the lions around her crazy. (How typical of females!) We were just mute spectators marvelling at these predators, experiencing awe, fear and a kind of reverance even though they were not in the wild and we were safe. But how do you escape those piercing eyes!
And then this lion gives out the most ferocious roar I have ever heard. Seemed to me like he was saying, "I maybe in a cage but Im still the lion around here. If you dont watch out ill bite your head off".

blue.....bitter......broken

I searched the depths of my soul
to learn what makes me whole

In all my life I see
the moments empty, painful, lonely and a desolate me

Why can't I remember the happy days,
the smiles, the laughs and the carefree ways?

I have long stopped looking in the mirror
afraid to see what will look back at me, the terror!

I am hanging onto the very last threads
of faith, of hope, of tolerance! I am in shreds

Why this anguish, this bitterness, this despair?
Am I now, beyond repair?

Identity

An important assignment has lately been playing on my mind. Universal birth registration. A piece of paper that tells me and the world who I am, gives me my identity.
My parents being the good citizens that they are have registered my date, place, circumstances of birth and that parchment very dutifully mentions the names of these two wonderful people who brought me into this world.
Then how come I still don't know who I am, where I belong or what i deserve!

I have before me an ocean of choices. But I am hopelessly and it seems to me irrevocably and irredeemably lost. I envy those times when you just had a couple of options to choose from. As frustrations on the job are guaranteed anyways I'd rather get it done with sooner!
The guillotine has to chop my head off. Why delay? (What a happy thought!)

So let me back back to those nagging questions.
Who am I? Where am I headed?

Things to do

I've just got to do these!!!!!!

• Win an argument against my brother
• Beat up any smart alec who thinks he has free access to body (HOW DARE HE think he can touch me on the street/ public spots if he so wishes.) The nerve!!!!!!!
• Write a best seller
• Travel
• Learn to salsa and play a musical instrument too
• While we're at it I also wanna belly dance to 'whenever wherever'
• Live a year in some remote, beautiful, heavenly locale tucked safely away from the sight of relatives, friends or acquaintances on my own terms doing whatI please
• Shop for 24 hours non stop
• Marry Johny Depp!!!!!!!!!

Imagination, desire, want

Imagination, desire, want
A really adorable speaker mentioned these words at a seminar today and it got me thinking (on a tangent to the point that he was making, but in my case that is usually how it goes). Ahem! Getting back to my thoughts.
Do we live through our existence or exist through our life on this earth by just stretching, chasing or fulfilling our imagination, our desires and our wants? Our life force, the fuel that keeps us going in this mad rush or this acute, agonising, most times exasperating need to achieve, to get somewhere, to say something profound or do something brilliant, or memorable or commendable.
I, for sure, want to wake up every morning and have my creative juices flowing, and work towards getting all that I desire. Use my imagination to earn myself a good life, be a great daughter and a fantastic lover and in good time a super mom!
Hey we all have to have something to live for right?

Trigger

Why is genius born from tragedy and talent honed by suffering? Be it a son falling from the 53rd floor that gives birth to Tears inHeaven. Or the memory of a critical father or one who entered the room at night with dark intentions.
Can't masterpieces be born from happiness? Not pain. Not anguish. Not substance. Not terror. Not tragedy.

Holiday!

O god this is no write up about that ghastly movie, which goes by the same name, that’s doing the rounds these days. Some of my friends and I went on a holiday recently. We were a group that came together to make a movie. And this holiday was a celebration of its completion.

And what a holiday! Sun, beaches, amazing food, a hottie who distracted us no end and who was a treat to sore eyes and a sky that was crowded with stars. If that’s not enough for you add a couple of fire dancers, bonfires and o so adorable dolphins!!!!

It was a respite from reality. And I have brought back proof of my affair with the sun in the western sky in terms of a terrible tan!

Floating in the sea with the sun caressing you, hurting you being the harsh lover that he is and you just laying there with not a care in the world, soaking him up.

Now that’s a holiday!

Irrevocable acts of indiscretion

• When you tell someone exactly what you think of them, their haircut, their dress, their love interest, their food or their child. Or their weight.
• When what’s on your mind in on your lips without any censorship.
• When you let someone know how much they mean to you.
• When you let a girl in on your deepest, darkest secrets and tell her to keep mum about it.
• When you call an old flame (it saw a bitter end) and you say to him amidst tears, and snivelling and gasps for breath, “I didn’t know who else to call”.
• When you tell a friend, his/her current is too good for him/her.
• Your in a relationship and you tell the other exactly what you feel all the time.
• You tell a friend who's had a bitter break up and who is still hung up on the ex, "He has found someone else".
  
• You’ve been going out for seven days and you tell him what your kids will look like.
• When you decide to make your mom your best friend and in your enthusiasm, you tell her about your amorous deeds or worse still, you tell her what you want to do if let loose on your current interest.

dismal story

Anamika

Once in a while one is overcome by some thought, some urge which distracts you no end, threatens to incapacitate you until you give in. Well, I am now overcome by this sudden urge to write. That having said the next thought is…. well what do I write. Should it be a story on the lines of the musk deer that went looking all over the wild for the source of that heavenly scent, throws himself off a cliff only to find in his dying moments that it was emanating from him all along? Or should it be the story of a naïve little girl who lives in the hope of finding love, if such a thing exists?

When one is not so confident about oneself and one’s abilities, one seeks a definition of self from the opinions of others. This in most cases is disastrous as in the case of Anamika.

The highly impressionable Anamika was greatly enamoured and inspired by the movie, ‘Pretty Woman’. She imagined herself to be the beautiful Julia Roberts, a victim of cruel circumstances, compelled to do shameful deeds so as to survive, and yet not losing the beauty of her soul, only to be saved by a handsome Richard Gere who looks past her actions and her status in society. She felt that he was made only to hold her in his arms and to love her. Forever.

Anamika pined for such love and for her handsome young prince. But for the moment she had to discover herself. She came from a wonderful family, one of achievers with a staunch faith in God. Each of them knew what they wanted and worked to get it and, needless to say, got it, except for poor little Anamika. She was better than average in most things though not the best at any. She was intelligent but no genius. She was attractive too but no Helen. And she was acutely conscious of these facts. She constantly looked within herself to find that single unique characteristic that made her special, that made her her. As she couldn’t find the answer herself she began to look elsewhere, wherever there appeared a glimmer of hope that she might find it. In the process she learnt a lot about others, about different people.

First and foremost she realised that men sought convenience. Always. She held it against them, initially. But then she understood that that is how they are. They always say and do things that are most convenient to them. Not necessarily intentionally. At least not with the motive to hurt. But if at this moment it is convenient for them to love you, they will. The instant it is not they won’t.

As for women, they seek acceptance and security. And they are naïve enough to forgo their self esteem, their values and all that is dear to them if there is even a remote possibility of finding them. As years passed and she grew in experience Anamika became disillusioned with life. She saw around her people constantly making compromises, making the best of what they have. She saw people change. She saw relationships change. She discovered the impermanence of everything. And it dawned on her that there is no handsome prince. No perfect love. No blind and complete acceptance of one another. No happily ever after.

There is only hope. Hope that somehow life will turn out to be not so bad.