Fighting. Fighting. There I killed that one. Another crops up. I beat that. Another one crops up. I am fighting. I am giving in. I am fighting.
Its hard when I keep changing my mind. Fight it. Beat it. Be with it. Flaunt it. Every single time I am sinking deeper in the quagmire that is my life.
All who try to come and help either get soaked in the dirt and are damaged for life. Or just lift their hands in despair and wash themselves clean of the mess. Who can blame them. I certainly don't. It's best that atleast they can save themselves. Scarred. But time will heal them. Hopefully.
And I am just sinking deeper. Deeper still.
Well, right now I think I will fight. Fight till I beat it. But they don't seem to wait for me to rest, recover, rejuvenate, revive and resist.
They just keep Multiplying. Compounding. Growing. Increasing. And there seems to be no end to them.
Darn flaws.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A little prayer
I'm done searching. I'm done with trial and error. I have finally resigned to my ineptitude. Sometimes the choice was wrong, sometimes the timing, sometimes both. Sometimes the motive was wrong, sometimes the mindset, sometimes both. Sometimes I was wrong. Alright, since it's you Lord, I admit most times I was wrong. Well, I've had just about enough.
Now, I leave it upto You, Lord. I entrust it into Your able hands, Lord. In the meanwhile make me worthy, Lord. Give me back my innocence, my faith and my goodness. Help me to prepare for that Time. To be ready when IT finally comes.
And wherever that individual maybe, please ensure that all is well and all goes well until the Right Time comes.
Do accept my humble prayer, and from this moment on, may this prayer fall on your ears every single moment of every single day and every single night.
Now, I leave it upto You, Lord. I entrust it into Your able hands, Lord. In the meanwhile make me worthy, Lord. Give me back my innocence, my faith and my goodness. Help me to prepare for that Time. To be ready when IT finally comes.
And wherever that individual maybe, please ensure that all is well and all goes well until the Right Time comes.
Do accept my humble prayer, and from this moment on, may this prayer fall on your ears every single moment of every single day and every single night.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Words
I am suddenly overcome with so much to say, so much to confess and confide, and to make right.
But words are empty. Words are hollow. Words are meaningless.
Words are nothing.
But words are empty. Words are hollow. Words are meaningless.
Words are nothing.
If only
It is so hard to live with yourself, knowing all the things you have done, knowing all the people you have hurt, cheated, ridiculed, chastised, ignored, insulted, offended, crushed.
But the worst of all, is the damage that you have done to yourself. Cause no matter what there is no going back and reliving or undoing what has been wrought.
If only!
If only, if only was possible.
But the worst of all, is the damage that you have done to yourself. Cause no matter what there is no going back and reliving or undoing what has been wrought.
If only!
If only, if only was possible.
Credibility
Ever heard of 'the boy who cried wolf wolf' story? Well, what else did he expect that all his life people would just coming in to rescue him from the non existent tiger at the expense of their work, life, priorities and greater responsibilities just so that he could have a few laughs and bring some excitement into his dull life.
In much the same way some of us lead our entire life with the complacent assurance that there will always be someone to accept us as we are, take our shit, provide for us or support us, love us, adore us, strengthen us, fulfil our every need, pander to our wishes and simply love us for being us!
And so we push and keep pushing them until their breaking point with our incorrigible behaviour, inexcusable selfishness, irascible temperament, maddeningly rebellious and destructive actions and words. And we just keep expecting them to live with it and love us for it.
'This is the way I am. This is me. Take it or leave it.' O ya, glorious Queen of Sheeba, rather Queen Elizabeth. the wonderful. The whole world was designed only to make your life more comfortable, smooth, mellifluous and luxurious.
Hey I am using big words cause how can I use some common, lowlife English for people as splendid and grand as us!!!
And so we go on. We push them over the brink but they, out of their most deepest, most difficult (to bring forth for us) and nicest of nicest niceness in them, still forgive and give us another chance. And then another. And yet another. Yet another.
Until they reach a point where all they are left withs a feeling of indifference, a numbness, a fit of desolation. And they just let go forever. You have killed the goodness in them, sapped it. So much that they can find no more. It will take years for regeneration. If that is even possible.
And all you can do is take your sorry self, your evil shadow away from them as quickly as you can and as far away as you can.
God bless their soul.
You think that you could maybe make it right this time. You would never hurt them again. But how can anyone ever trust you, with your track record?
Can you trust yourself even? It's best this way. Just get out of their way and their life. That's the best thing you could do for them.
In much the same way some of us lead our entire life with the complacent assurance that there will always be someone to accept us as we are, take our shit, provide for us or support us, love us, adore us, strengthen us, fulfil our every need, pander to our wishes and simply love us for being us!
And so we push and keep pushing them until their breaking point with our incorrigible behaviour, inexcusable selfishness, irascible temperament, maddeningly rebellious and destructive actions and words. And we just keep expecting them to live with it and love us for it.
'This is the way I am. This is me. Take it or leave it.' O ya, glorious Queen of Sheeba, rather Queen Elizabeth. the wonderful. The whole world was designed only to make your life more comfortable, smooth, mellifluous and luxurious.
Hey I am using big words cause how can I use some common, lowlife English for people as splendid and grand as us!!!
And so we go on. We push them over the brink but they, out of their most deepest, most difficult (to bring forth for us) and nicest of nicest niceness in them, still forgive and give us another chance. And then another. And yet another. Yet another.
Until they reach a point where all they are left withs a feeling of indifference, a numbness, a fit of desolation. And they just let go forever. You have killed the goodness in them, sapped it. So much that they can find no more. It will take years for regeneration. If that is even possible.
And all you can do is take your sorry self, your evil shadow away from them as quickly as you can and as far away as you can.
God bless their soul.
You think that you could maybe make it right this time. You would never hurt them again. But how can anyone ever trust you, with your track record?
Can you trust yourself even? It's best this way. Just get out of their way and their life. That's the best thing you could do for them.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Wish
Its ridiculously funny when one so wishes for something to happen. We concentrate all our energies toward willing it to happen. Focus every effort, every muscle in our control on just that. Much like how as kids we'd sit on the potty and grunt away, pressing our stomachs and contracting all muscles, huddled over until we go red in the face and the exhilaration that we felt added to the relief on the positive outcome (Here the stinking output!!!)
Well, we continue to do this for the rest of our lives. And not just on the throne. In every aspect of our lives. For everything that we oh soo passionately desire and feel we deserve or know we don't deserve yet continue to want or pine for.
Caught in these moments one is driven to madness by that obsession, that wild, mad raging, absolutely unignorable need to have that wish fulfilled.
It may be as simple as a 'certain someone' sending you a message, or one call, or that one loving glance, or the urge to hear the sound of those reassuring footsteps, or that loving hand placed on your shoulders from behind at a most unsuspecting time (Of course at this time it won't be unsuspecting. Nevertheless.)
But as we grow up the degree to which we want something is directly proportionate to its unavailability or inaccessability and impossibility. But that doesn't stop us from wanting it to happen, willing it to happen, wishing it to happen........
Well, we continue to do this for the rest of our lives. And not just on the throne. In every aspect of our lives. For everything that we oh soo passionately desire and feel we deserve or know we don't deserve yet continue to want or pine for.
Caught in these moments one is driven to madness by that obsession, that wild, mad raging, absolutely unignorable need to have that wish fulfilled.
It may be as simple as a 'certain someone' sending you a message, or one call, or that one loving glance, or the urge to hear the sound of those reassuring footsteps, or that loving hand placed on your shoulders from behind at a most unsuspecting time (Of course at this time it won't be unsuspecting. Nevertheless.)
But as we grow up the degree to which we want something is directly proportionate to its unavailability or inaccessability and impossibility. But that doesn't stop us from wanting it to happen, willing it to happen, wishing it to happen........
Monday, August 06, 2007
Trial
Have you ever hurt anyone?:
Guilty. Lost count and most times didn't even realise I had.
Have you ever let down your parents?:
Guilty as ever. I am sure my mom remembers the score. Thats only of the stuff they have found out.
Broken someone's heart?:
Guilty. (This is not going well at all)
Lived a life of selfishness and blatant disregard to others as long as you are getting your way?: Guilty.
Been a true friend:
Honestly. Never at the expense of myself or my convenience or happiness.
Preached but not practised:
Guilty. I am a specialist at that.
Sought consolation and reassurance every time things start to unravel or are not going exactly how you want them to:
Guilty. Every single time. Have not missed even one opportunity to do so.
All the evidence and witness merely corroborates what has been long established as a truth that you have lead a life devoted to self gratification and have been a menace to most people in general. You have been warned kindly and strictly many times over before but you have chosen to ignore the same.
So we are forced to declare that you shall live a life of solitary confinement, as we have judged that to live with yourself would be the most fitting and the most torturous punishment for you.
But we would also like to add that you will be under the observation of the Almighty and the punishment shall be reduced or even pardoned if your behaviour stands testimony to a postive reformation in you.
We wish you good luck.
Guilty. Lost count and most times didn't even realise I had.
Have you ever let down your parents?:
Guilty as ever. I am sure my mom remembers the score. Thats only of the stuff they have found out.
Broken someone's heart?:
Guilty. (This is not going well at all)
Lived a life of selfishness and blatant disregard to others as long as you are getting your way?: Guilty.
Been a true friend:
Honestly. Never at the expense of myself or my convenience or happiness.
Preached but not practised:
Guilty. I am a specialist at that.
Sought consolation and reassurance every time things start to unravel or are not going exactly how you want them to:
Guilty. Every single time. Have not missed even one opportunity to do so.
All the evidence and witness merely corroborates what has been long established as a truth that you have lead a life devoted to self gratification and have been a menace to most people in general. You have been warned kindly and strictly many times over before but you have chosen to ignore the same.
So we are forced to declare that you shall live a life of solitary confinement, as we have judged that to live with yourself would be the most fitting and the most torturous punishment for you.
But we would also like to add that you will be under the observation of the Almighty and the punishment shall be reduced or even pardoned if your behaviour stands testimony to a postive reformation in you.
We wish you good luck.
Lenny
I know this person. His name is Leonard A Kulangara. I know him for one year now and I think his name doesn't suit him at all.
He should be called Leonard the Giver. I have never met a mann who can give as much as Lenny can and as happily as Lenny can and as abundantly as Lenny can. I maybe repeating myself but this is for added emphasis.
Lenny=Genuine=Generous=Loving=Selfless=Accommodating=Amazing!
Lenny is all the things I am not. He is so kind and generous and he gets along so well with everybody. He may have been my Boss for one year but he has never taken advantage of his position. He has no hang ups with people. He is everyone's best friend and genuinely cares for everyone. And everybody is so important to him. He always says he draws his strength and enthusiam from each of his best friends at work. And that is each and everyone at work.
And Lenny gives and gives and gives and gives to each of us.
I didn't think it is possible for a person to really like and really care for so many people but somehow Lenny can. And really can.
I am a difficult difficult person. Headstrong. Foolish. Stubborn. Seld Centred and Selfish. But Lenny has put up with everything and has never made me feel like he has put up with it.
He has come to my rescue in the middle of the night on the eve of Christmas eve and hunted for tailors for me. He has lent a listening ear to my sobbing and foolish rants. He has supported me at work. Given me responsibilities and credit for things I have done well. He has gone way out of his way to make my experience at Buzzworks a wonderful one. He has taken so much trouble, been such an amazing local guardian, father, brother, friend, guide, fashion advisor, hairdresser, make up artist and so much more. Without ever making me feel like I am obliged to him.
In today's times whoever does that? All of us expect much more than we even think of giving. Ours is a conditional love, affection or whatever else. But not Lenny.
Not too many people do so much for you without an ulterior motive or simply out of the goodness of their hearts. But Lenny does and he has done so much in just one year (that I have known him).
And the greatest thing is that he has done the same for every single person in Buzzworks Loyalty. Every single one of us.
Lenny, I hope someday I can do something to show you what a difference you have made in my life and how lucky I have been to know you and to have been a recipient of your goodness.
He should be called Leonard the Giver. I have never met a mann who can give as much as Lenny can and as happily as Lenny can and as abundantly as Lenny can. I maybe repeating myself but this is for added emphasis.
Lenny=Genuine=Generous=Loving=Selfless=Accommodating=Amazing!
Lenny is all the things I am not. He is so kind and generous and he gets along so well with everybody. He may have been my Boss for one year but he has never taken advantage of his position. He has no hang ups with people. He is everyone's best friend and genuinely cares for everyone. And everybody is so important to him. He always says he draws his strength and enthusiam from each of his best friends at work. And that is each and everyone at work.
And Lenny gives and gives and gives and gives to each of us.
I didn't think it is possible for a person to really like and really care for so many people but somehow Lenny can. And really can.
I am a difficult difficult person. Headstrong. Foolish. Stubborn. Seld Centred and Selfish. But Lenny has put up with everything and has never made me feel like he has put up with it.
He has come to my rescue in the middle of the night on the eve of Christmas eve and hunted for tailors for me. He has lent a listening ear to my sobbing and foolish rants. He has supported me at work. Given me responsibilities and credit for things I have done well. He has gone way out of his way to make my experience at Buzzworks a wonderful one. He has taken so much trouble, been such an amazing local guardian, father, brother, friend, guide, fashion advisor, hairdresser, make up artist and so much more. Without ever making me feel like I am obliged to him.
In today's times whoever does that? All of us expect much more than we even think of giving. Ours is a conditional love, affection or whatever else. But not Lenny.
Not too many people do so much for you without an ulterior motive or simply out of the goodness of their hearts. But Lenny does and he has done so much in just one year (that I have known him).
And the greatest thing is that he has done the same for every single person in Buzzworks Loyalty. Every single one of us.
Lenny, I hope someday I can do something to show you what a difference you have made in my life and how lucky I have been to know you and to have been a recipient of your goodness.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Good intentions
Why is man so incredibly foolish and stupid?
No. I just can't seem to understand. You know smoking is bad for you. You know it does you no good. But does that stop you from bringing the poison to your lips and inhaling hell's vapours? Oh no no.
You know you two are a combination that spells disaster. People warn you. He is a playboy. He isn't good enough for you. Your his 12th or 15th or 50th girlfriend. He is afraid of commitment. No No. He genuinely feels for me. This time he is in this a whole 200%. One and a half year later, there you are. A good part of you is dead. Lost forever. You feel cheated and miserable and angry and vengeful.
You dive into a life of self mortification. Destroying every fibre in you that you were proud of in the past. You become exactly what you hated most.
And then you meet someone else. With a similar past, maybe worse and you decide we can nurture each other into our old good selves. You get into it for the wrong reasons, with the right intentions but with zero patience and you want everything to just work itself out. FAT CHANCE that will ever happen.
And then, the inevitable happens. It ends. And all you keep thinking about is who's fault it was.
Does it matter?
No. I just can't seem to understand. You know smoking is bad for you. You know it does you no good. But does that stop you from bringing the poison to your lips and inhaling hell's vapours? Oh no no.
You know you two are a combination that spells disaster. People warn you. He is a playboy. He isn't good enough for you. Your his 12th or 15th or 50th girlfriend. He is afraid of commitment. No No. He genuinely feels for me. This time he is in this a whole 200%. One and a half year later, there you are. A good part of you is dead. Lost forever. You feel cheated and miserable and angry and vengeful.
You dive into a life of self mortification. Destroying every fibre in you that you were proud of in the past. You become exactly what you hated most.
And then you meet someone else. With a similar past, maybe worse and you decide we can nurture each other into our old good selves. You get into it for the wrong reasons, with the right intentions but with zero patience and you want everything to just work itself out. FAT CHANCE that will ever happen.
And then, the inevitable happens. It ends. And all you keep thinking about is who's fault it was.
Does it matter?
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